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11/30 - If I Really Wanted Your Opinion, I'd Beat It Out Of You.
Y'know, I think I might have mentioned in passing (maybe once or twice) before that I'm a die-hard Florida State Seminoles fan. I've got FSU swag decorating/polluting nearly every aspect of my life. Shirts, hats, posters, blankets, autographed footballs, clocks, Christmas tree ornaments, potholders, cups, car magnets, jackets, you name it - I've got it. It's pretty tough for me to go a day without displaying some random piece of FSU paraphernalia in some way. And that's just the way I like it.

So I go to a local ice cream shop, wearing my FSU jacket. As I place my order, the girl behind the counter says, "Only if you admit that the Gators are better than Florida State". I'm actually surprised at this. Not because someone wanted to smack-talk my beloved Florida State Seminoles and brag about their arch-ememies, the evil Satan-worshipping, puppy-killing, baby-hating Florida Gators... I'm used to that. But someone in CALIFORNIA wanted to do it. Strange. My brilliant retort?

"Fuck you, I'd rather walk to Baskin Robbins"

Hey, mess with the bull...

So just yesterday FSU and UF played their annual game. Unfortunately, I had to work and couldn't get out of it. So I figured I'd just watch whatever portion I could during my lunch break and tape the game so I could watch the rest when I got home. After watching what I could, I deliberately avoided all sports-related conversations. I didn't call anyone to get an update. Everytime someone tried to tell me something, I plugged my ears. I didn't check the internet to get a score. I drove straight home and even turned off the radio just in case anything newsworthy mght have happened and been mentioned. For all intents and purposes, I managed to survive in a veritable sports vacuum. That's not easy for me to do.

I pull into my driveway. I'm excited about being able to watch the rest of my game! The car's been decorated, I've got my game shirt on, my hat, jacket, and everything else that an armchair college football coach could ever need! I'm only 50 yards from my living room, FSU nirvana is minutes away!

Then I get out of the car and go to my mailbox. Someone else (who I've never seen in the complex before) approaches me. He walks past, and shakes his head. Before I could plead "PLEASE don't ruin..." he barks, "Those goddamned Seminoles are the luckiest team on the planet, they're lucky they made it out".

After I regained consciousness and hid his body...

I started to wonder... When did it become acceptable to speak to other people in such a manner? Why does someone feel the need to make a comment to a total stranger without any sort of invitation? I've never really tried to start a fight with a nobody before. And I'm certain that I've never walked up to a stranger and commented on anything they've been wearing.

Also, in case you haven't noticed... I have long hair. I can't go one lousy day at work without some idiot grabbing it, asking if it's real, or telling me that they wish they could have it too. Y'know, I've seen plenty of rather amply-bosomed women come into my store over the years. I've never said, "Hey, are those real? Mind if I touch them? I wish my girlfriend would show them off like that..."

So my new goal is to try to make people feel like total pieces of garbage every time that they approach me for no reason and offer me some stupid, useless, rude commentary. Some suggestions:

1) Wow, you are SO skinny!
Well, since my daughter's funeral last week I just haven't had much of an appetite.

2) Is your hair really that thick?
Well, it was, but the chemo's only just now starting to take it's toll. I thought I was in remission until just last month.

Other suggestions?