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More Letters to an Idiot:

Some of my favorite emails from the past few weeks:

Subj: fraud!!
Date: 8/6/02 8:21:59 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: xxxxxxxxxx@nettally.com
To: info@famousjames.com

Sir James,

Ya know, I saw on the website that you have Tony Sarno's cd in your player in the car. I decided to pop it into the stereo while I cleaned out the fish tanks this weekend and I noticed something appalling.... He did a remake of the John Hiatt song "alone in the dark." Now, I may be quoting this incorrectly, but I believe there is a rule in the music industry which reads:

"Once a song is used in a bad Schwartzenegger movie in which Jamie Lee Curtis does a really sexy dance to it, there is no reason to ever (and I do mean evvvvvvvvver) do a remake of said song."

So your boy Tony tried to do a remake of the song, but it was totally fraudulent due to the Jamie Lee Curtis rule.

Next I saw that you sell apparel? Some fool from Musicland sells apparel? I'm not gonna pass any judgement, but that smells a little fraudulent also.

While I'm here party pooping, let me really throw gas on the fire: I saw the Eva SaveALot commercial where your girl is walking around in a black bikini. I saw it once, ONCE! She says she hit 30 this year, but in the bikini she was looking like that may have been calculated in dog years. Alyssa, my friend, may also be joining the ranks of the fraudulent.

That's all for now.

Ron

Subj: Dude Lighten Up.....
Date: 8/16/02 4:57:27 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: xxxxxx@yahoo.com
To: Famusjames@aol.com

In your pictures that is......

I just saw your pictures section. Do you ever smile, or are you going for that unaffected Rock Star look? But I must say the hair is longer and stronger than ever.

Hey I'm really looking forward to the Tesla show on 9/21. Keep me posted on what's going on, and what I owe you for the tickets. How was the show at the Konocti? I bet it was killer.

As for the girl at Konocti, jump on that. Cut yourself some slack and ask her out. She's right up your alley......hopefully she not in your alley right now stalking you.

Take care buddy, and I'll see you soon,

Greg

Subj: Loved the site; contribute story?
Date: 8/11/02 10:41:31 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: lura@lura.net
To: famusjames@aol.com

James, This is Lura of Lura.net. I used to be an assistant manager at Doubleday (a subsidiary of Barnes and Nobles) in Tampa, Florida.

Every single story resonated with me: children on the counter, idiot teachers, ancient non-customers, and people who expect you to know what they want even when they themselves obviously haven't a clue. I've had almost all the same experiences - - the only difference is that the bookstores I worked at didn't have public restrooms available. After reading your entries on that subject, all I can say is THANK GOODNESS!

Here's one of my stories, feel free to post it if you wish, just provide a link to my site if you don't mind. It's an absolutely true story. I have a couple others too, let me know if you want me to write up any more.

I worked in a small, upscale bookstore in a semi-swanky shopping area. One morning, a very disheveled forty year old white guy walks into the store in a t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops. This was unusual, but I didn't dwell on it. A few minutes later, a lady, dripping with diamonds, informs me that I should have that man escorted from the store. Politely, I asked "why"? Circumspect with her response, she answers "Because he's sitting on the floor."

As I look down the aisle, I see that this man is indeed sitting on the floor - legs splayed open. His hairy left nut is hanging out of his corduroy short-shorts.

So there I am, a twenty-one year old, female assistant-manager of the store. I'm the one who has to deal with this situation; I'm the one in charge and there are no male employees at work. Blushing in seven different shades of red and straining to keep eye contact, I attempted to strike up a conversation with this man, trying to get him to stand up and look at some merchandise in another part of the store. But he wasn't so easily moved. When my attempt failed, I had to be direct. I told him that he needed to leave the store. When he asked why, I said "There's a problem with your shorts." He smiled, winked, and exited.