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March 6 - An Interview with METALUCIOUS

METALUCIOUS took a break from their World Tour to step off the jet, remove the straws from their noses and the groupies from their genitals to sit down and answer a bunch of stupid questions. I really do dig this band, even if they chose to remain in character and not really let anyone have a glimpse of anything more than a handful of cliches. I can't tell if they just don't take me seriously, or are trying to hide their real life alter egos. If it's the former, that's cool. I don't take myself or anything on the site too seriously either. Just know that I do have a pretty devoted readership with an interest in 80s metal, and you might want to put some effort into reaching out to them. If it's the latter, rest assured I already know a lot more than I originally let on, even though for the sake of promoting one of the only bands worth seeing on Florida's Treasure Coast, I gave the research team at FJ.com the night off and printed this interview as returned. Anyway, enjoy a quick chat with METALUCIOUS. (All pictures courtesy of METALUCIOUS and JUAN CANTU PHOTOGRAPHY)

Who's in the band right now?
Metalucious has always been and will always be:
Hymen Ripper-Lead Guitar
Glamorous Rose-Lead Sexy
Bangher Ass-Lead Drums
Dudel Lucious-Lead Bass

How did METALUCIOUS come together? Who came up with the concept?
Uhh, that honor is bestowed upon Hymen. Metalucious is Hymen’s baby. After years of watching other bands take credit for his sweet ,sweet riffs..he decided to put us back together to remind people who the original GODs of ROCK are. US!

Would you consider METALUCIOUS a tribute band, a parody band, or a celebration?
None of the above. Metalucious is a way of life! A reminder to everyone that it’s fun to rock out and wear spandex and leather, do a shit load of blow off strippers tits backstage, and fly around the universe in our big ass jumbo jet. Why you ask? (well, you didn’t but I’m gonna tell you) Because WE CAN!

Who were/are your biggest influences? What are you listening to now?
NO ONE! We influence ourselves with an obscene amount of Greatness. Next question.

What other bands have you worked with before METALUCIOUS? Are any of you working with any other bands now?
None under the names Glamorous, Hymen, Bangher and Dudel.

Whose hair is more realistic (or who's more bald...) - Hymen Ripper or Bret Michaels?
Hymen's, the difference being that Brett Michaels actually thinks he's fooling everyone.

You've had a long and storied history, which means you can't exactly be spring chickens. Give a memory from the following years:
2009 - Metalucious rules the world once again
2006 - People realize that going out needs to not suck anymore
2000 - Our groupies largely undergo plastic surgery
1992 - Music becomes no fun anymore (except for us)
1987 - The entire band gets it's GED and rules the world
1984 - Glamorous goes platinum (blond) and to rehab
1976 - Hymen was already shredding and getting laid
1963 - Hymen was born
1954 - Chuck Berry ruled the world
1927 - Babe Ruth is a star
1863 - Slaves were freed

Which are your favorite songs to play?
The ones that rock!

Are there any songs you refuse to play live?
Anything after 1989 and anything that's whiny or sucks!

What band should be removed from existence so the greatness of METALUCIOUS can be appreciated by their fanbase?
Theory of a Deadman, they lip-sync and ripped off The Cult. The Cult ripped us off, but they don't lip-sync.

Why does Dudel Lucious have four strings on his bass when he only uses three notes on just one?
Dudel's IQ is pretty low, we try not to confuse him. It's not like he plays any kind of "lead" instrument so it doesn't really matter.

You are aware that the whole 'We are the ones who wrote the songs that everyone else stole'-schtick has already been done by Fozzy, right?
Who? Oh yeah, who do you think Jericho stole THAT idea from? That’s the last time we let his ass on our Jumbo Jet, even if he has an 8 ball! We even got ripped off for being ripped off.

Who designed your stage set up? No bullshit, it really looks cool. Do you have professional management and backing?
Ok No shit here…our crew is the BEST. We’re too busy writing the greatest songs of all time so we can’t be bothered with what the stage looks like. We leave that in the hands of Bert Zimmerman. He’s a madman set designer and never fails to amaze. He'll never respond to you but you can contact him here www.myspace.com/7577114

Put together a 5-band dream concert lineup, at which METALUCIOUS will headline. Who's playing?
2. Poison-15 min. set
3. Warrant-15 min. set
4. Twisted Sister-15 min. set
5. Trixter-4 min. set. (they only had one song)

You're based in Port Saint Lucie, Florida. Why?
Cause the grass is green and the girls are pretty, and the fans in L.A. wouldn’t leave us alone, and real estate is pretty cheap.

I caught opening night of your 2009 World Tour at Mojo Arena. Any plans for a second leg at Whiskey Js Stadium or perhaps Late Night Amphitheater? And where will you park the jet?
Fuck no! Those other places can’t accommodate the Thousands of fans who turn up in PSL to worship us. The jet get’s parked um..at the airport. Silly question.

Any plans for a METALUCIOUS original song? How about merchandise?
They’re all original songs Jack! You wanna hear a song that hasn’t been ripped off from us and made famous by some other hack band? Yeah, we got a few things in the works. We're considering releasing an EP this year with the next greatest party songs ever. Not like the "next greatest", but like the "greatest" but they'll be next.

On a scale of 0 to 10, 0 being impossible and 10 being inevitable, rate the likelihood of the following scenarios and feel free to comment:

METALUCIOUS will be recognized as true rock gods and given a spot on second stage at Rocklahoma
10-Yeah, those fuckers have our number. We’d embarrass all those other bands..but we’re up for anything.

A Tangier reunion will force METALUCIOUS to find another bass player
0-Who the fuck in their right mind would leave this band? Exactly!

Hymen Ripper will be eaten by a shark while diving in the Bahamas
0-Hyman wrestles sharks in his very limited spare time.

Glamorous Rose will see an undefeated Notre Dame football team appear at the Mojo Room for an afterparty and serve drinks
0- Glamorous serves NO ONE!

Bangher Ass will lose progressive death metal credibility if ever exposed as having a hairband past
0-Please! All death metal bands secretly want a drummer in leather pants and a cowboy hat!

Hymen Ripper will actually nail the solo in "To Be With You"
0-Hymen plays whatever he wants, when he wants, how he wants.

Bangher Ass will add a dude as a friend on his myspace page
0-Why would I want dudes on my myspace page?

Dudel Lucious will reach level 9 on Guitar Hero and unlock a Lynyrd Skynyrd song.
0- What the fuck is Guitar Hero? Besides, Dudel didn't make it to grade 9 in school.

Any member of METALUCIOUS will be spotted bowling at St Lucie Lanes on league night
0-The only fat balls you’re gonna see us throwing is our own at some hot babe's chin…..backstage!

Why haven't you added cheesesteaks to the band rider?
Unicorn tears override cheesesteaks ever single time. And it's hard to stomach a cheesesteak after doing blow.

Any famous last words for your adoring audience and any potential new fans who might be reading?
Yeah, we love you, we love loving you, we adore you almost as much as you adore us so keep coming out and let's show everyone else how the fuck to party!

Dude's wearing their girlfriends clothes and crying like little bitches about their heart being broke is lame. Those Emo fags need to man up, do a line, have some fun,emulate being men and leave sucking dick to chicks. Abstinance is lame. Sobriety is lame. Fall Out Boy is lame. Chicks dressing like dudes and going out thinking it's ok to not get down with a dude is lame. Music that's no fun is lame. Wall Street is lame. Dudes going to a show all pissed off looking to kill someone instead of enjoying a fine piece of ass is lame.

Going to a Metalucious show to hear the greatest songs of all time and partying with tons of hot chicks that are showing their tits? Priceless, not lame, nothing but a good time!

METALUCIOUS will play their next show at the Mojo Room in Port Saint Lucie, Florida on May 30. Visit their page and be sure to check them out before history repeats itself and they go grunge or something.